


your hair makes me overthink when i can't sleep

by weeeklyboyz



Category: Weeekly (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Aromantic, F/F, Fluff, Im sleep deprived, Open Ending, Self-Indulgent, ambigous feelings, as a feeling no one actually throws up, completely self indulgent, cuestioning your sexuality, english isnt my first language, i cant write without swearing, i feel like i can talk about my life in the tags idk its fun, if i figure things out i'll write another fic, its my second it cannot be that bad, jiyoon is whipped for soeun but doesn't know in which way, mentions of throwing up, so much swearing, they cute, unrequited love but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:20:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27340051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weeeklyboyz/pseuds/weeeklyboyz
Summary: she felt so vulnerable and so small, so stupid and so weak. such a lith and defenseless little thing standing in front of a new and almighty queen. she could have asked jiyoon to bow to her and she would have without hesitation.where jiyoon is confused and soeun's willing to wait.
Relationships: Park Soeun/Shin Jiyoon
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	your hair makes me overthink when i can't sleep

**Author's Note:**

> it's 2 a.m in the morning and this was completely self indulgent bc ive really be going thru some shit.  
> the weeekly tag is empty if i have to fill it with my bare hands i will. mark my words.  
> enjoy!

jiyoon didn't pity soeun.

one thing she had really, really clear in her head was that she was going to hurt and get hurt. she was going to hate and to be hated. there was absolutely nothing she could do to stop any of these things from happening if they had to; it didn't make it any better, honestly, but to accept it made easier to get by and survive to whatever was coming. 

communicating came with the sorrowful relieve of opening up and dealing with its consequences. as essential as it is in a relationship, it never stops making hearts ache. they knew this, learnt by force at some point, committed to it from the very first second of their friendship and growing one-sided feelings.

soeun got into this just the same as she did. no, she didn't pity her. she wasn't sad thinking about oh, poor little soeunnie whose crush wasn't sure about his feelings but dated her in hopes things would clear up. she didn't cry for it. soeun knew. jiyoon knew. they got into it together. all the pain didn't come from knowing she hurt her friend so fucking bad. 

jiyoon _wanted that_. jiyoon wanted _so much_ to like her stupidly pretty face, to get goosebumps over her perfect hands, to feel her heart bump against her chest when beautiful words came out. 

she wanted to want soeun. her perfect frame and amazingly organised brain. her cute little fucking habits that made her lose her fucking mind because they were _annoying_ to her. no, she wasn't the annoying.  
jiyoon was.  
jiyoon was annoying the fuck out of herself for not finding herself mesmerised over the small things she did, finding herself fantasising over her best friend or losing focus because she missed her. that _never_, _ever_ fucking happened. never.

she loved soeun, and, oh, she did feel those things but they were far from romantic. it was such a thin and difficult line, though. maybe she was aromantic? maybe she just didn't feel romantic love. maybe it just didn't work for her. for some reason, she felt relieved with that thought, as if assuming an entire sexuality that came with lots of social struggles was way easier than getting over the fact that she had to be honest with soeun.

she _wanted_ to feel it _for sure_. she wanted to know, to be fully aware, to know just exactly if she loved her or not. she didn't like how she felt like she was playing mind tricks. she fucking wasn't.

she remembers a specific and dreadful day. they spent the whole evening together, ate together and had a walk, their fingers interwinded and the sun at its peak.

"I've known you for so long and I've been able to do so many things because I met you. have I ever tell you that? like, directly?" soeun said, looking at her ever so fondly.

"i think we spoke it many times, to be honest. but it's always nice to hear it from you, babe." there was a pause. she was trying to speak.

"i owe you more." jiyoon muttered. she couldn't say more. they leaned against each other and began walking again to the train station. they stood there waiting for it to come, jiyoon's hands in the smaller girl's hips. flirting. talking. hands, lips, noses close. she thought she could kiss the little freckles near her eyes. why was she thinking that? she felt at the edge of the world. she felt like throwing up. she felt lost and confused. not that she couldn't do anything about it.

and then they were on the train, the image of a soeun in the greatest golden hour, her brown hair bright and shiny. she took pics of the sight. she felt so _full_ and she felt like it was _too much_. she felt so vulnerable and so small, so stupid and so weak. such a lith and defenseless little thing standing in front of a new and almighty queen. she could have asked jiyoon to bow to her and she would have without hesitation.

they said goodbye to each other with a warm hug.

jiyoon felt sick.

her breath went short and quick, her mind was racing and her steps were unsteady.  
she felt sick. she felt so fucking sick.

did she really like soeun? did that feelings really were there? she wanted to throw up. she was going to throw the fuck up. she couldn't deal with it. what if they...started dating? no. no, they couldn't. she couldn't stand the idea. she couldn't. no. was it her insuferrable trauma with not thinking she was worth of love and a reciprocated, healthy relationship? or was it....something else? looking back to her past relationships, she would be sleepless for weeks and dumbed for months, just for it to disappear and leave her breathless, longing and yearning for more.  
that's how it went. she fell for them, reached for the sky and have her downfall, just like Icarus. 

was it romantic attraction though? what was the difference between romantic and platonic? weren't couples friends that kissed? she didn't get it. she didn't fucking get it. did she ever felt real romantic attraction? did it work with her? the idea of it not being compulsory for her to be happy and have a fulfilling life made her feel relieved. but she wanted soeun, so bad. fuck, fuck, fuck. 

her medication. yeah, she had to take it. that was a first step.

maybe she was aromantic. maybe she was just confused. maybe she couldn't face the fact that she was in love. 

whatever it was, she had to take a deep, deep breath. she had to figure too many things out that didn't make sense. arranged things with soeun and asked her to wait for her. that she will be there to give her a proper answer.

fuck. life was spinning and spinning, going around making her feel sick.  
stopping was a begging. stopping was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you had fun! come scream at me at my twt @chanheecaniii and if anyone in the arospec can reach out to me i would be honoured bc im so confused im really sorry.  
> kudos and comments make my day, thank you so much for reading!


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